- Алло, это SEO агенство?
- (шепотом) да.
- А почему вы шепотом?
- Я сейчас на алгебре.
Заказчик звонит в студию к SEO специалисту.
- Здравствуйте, раньше было плохо, вчера был АП стало еще хуже. Сделайте пожалуйста что бы было опять просто плохо.
Маленький мальчик купил много ссылок,
Сайт раскрутил по запросу "ботинок".
Долго разглядывал LiveInternet -
первое место, а трафика нет.
На почте.
- Добрый день, я хочу отправить письмо.
- Одну секундочку.
Девушка мило улыбнулась и достала из стола непонятную картинку с плохо узнаваемым текстом.
Нам нужно убедиться, что вы не робот. Пожалуйста, напишите буквы и цифры, которые вы видите на картинке. Если вы не можете прочитать текст, напишите слово "audio" и пройдите звуковой тест...
- В службу поддержки Рамблера звонит женщина и говорит:
- Алло, это Интернет?
- (В недоумении и замявшись) А э… ну да
- Тогда скажите почему у Вас не работают третий и седьмой сайт?
Не, если в гугле ввести слово “как”, но на кнопку не нажимать, то появятся подсказки:
- как открыть банку кильки двумя чайными ложками и тапком;
Американский форум - Ты задаешь вопрос, тебе дают на него ответ. Израильский форум - Ты задаешь вопрос, тебе задают вопрос. Российский форум - Ты задаешь вопрос, и тебе долго рассказывают, какой ты мудак!
В отделе кадров крупной фирмы подбирают оптимизатора для своего сайта. Кадровик устало смотрит на толстую пачку резюме, потом берет первые 10 анкет и откладывает их в сторону - на рассмотрение. Остальные 152 резюме рвет и выкидывает в урну:
- "Неудачники нам здесь не нужны!"
Ленина сослали в Шушенское, а он забил на это и, договорившись с Пушкиным, поехал в Михайловское. Соответственно, в Шушенское поехал Пушкин. Именно так произошел первый в истории обмен ссылками.
Маленький Вова учился на двойки.
Школы он сайт продвигал за пятёрки.
В школу теперь не пускают упорно:
Школа есть в топе по запросу лишь «порно»…
Утро, жена выгоняет вебмастера погулять с собакой. Он долго бродит с ней, потом поднимает палку, кидает ее и командует: - Э-э-э, Яндекс!!! То есть, Рамблер!!! Тьфу, апорт!!!
Юнга на корабле разгадывает кроссворд. Спрашивает у штурмана:
- А какие бывают взрывчатые вещества?
- Спроси у ЯНДЕКСА!
Юнга лезет в комп. Набирает на справочном сайте ключевое слово и
нажимает на ВВОД.
В это время судно наскакивает на старую мину. Взрыв, вонь, огонь.
Юнга выныривает из воды и очумело бормочет:
- Ни х#я себе, спросил у ЯНДЕКСА!
Разговаривают два SEOшника:
- Ты знаешь, если бы я был на месте Билла Гейтса, я бы зарабатывал больше его!
- Да, и как?
- Я бы продавал ссылки с PageRank 9 Microsoft.com
Разница в белых, серых, черных методах продвижения:
Черные методы – вас забанит Яндекс сразу же
Серые методы – вас забанит Яндекс
Белые методы – вас забанит Яндекс. Чуть позже.
Потомственный оптимизатор в четвертом поколении Пафнутий.
Приворот отворот трафика.
Черные и белые методы оптимизации.
Кодирование почты от спама.
Снятие порчи с сервера.
Гарантия 100%. Лицензия РОСНИИРОСА № 333777666.
Приходит СЕОшник в цирк! А там дрессировщик арёт - "АП", "АП", "АП"
СЕОшник про себя сквозь зубы - "Везёт-же этим тиграм!"
Жил-был на свете сеошник обычный,
Проекты он двигал - профит был отличный,
Вел он и блоги, и сайты мутил,
Раскручивал чей-то интернет-магазин.Но как-то раз все пошло под откос:
Яндекс из поиска сайты все снес,
Гугл забил на морды-страницы,
Снизилось пузо - PR-ы и тИЦ-ы.Ни ГГЛ, ни Казапа, ни Сэйп,
Не принесут ему больше рублей.
Сеошник расстроился - нечего есть,
Даже хотелось в офисы сесть.Фрилансером стать решил наш герой,
Дизайны иль тексты клепать на убой.
Дизайнер фиговый получился с него -
Фотошоп - это вещь не совсем для него.Копирайтингом не сумел зарабатывать он -
В писательстве не был слишком силен,
С фрилансом покончено - в фарму пошел,
Но денег там тоже он не нашел.Удача к сеошнику встала лицом:
Яндекс перестал быть подлецом,
Гугл обновил поисковую базу -
Сеошнику радостно стало сразу.На этом я прекращаю рассказ
Надеюсь, вам будет это уроком не раз.
Чтобы заработать себе на жизнь, нужно работать.
Чтобы разбогатеть - нужно придумать что-то другое.
Лет шесть назад маленький сын спросил своего отца, работающего в Яндексе: «Папа, а правда, у вас самая крутая поисковая машина?». «Конечно, правда», — скромно ответил папа. «А почему ты тогда без мигалки ездишь?»
Молодой оптимизатор задает вопрос на сео-форуме:
- Что реально поднимает PR?
Ему в ответ:
- Виагра!
Сидит интернетчик за компом. Вдруг разбивает окно камень, обернутый бумажкой, пролетает по комнате, попадает в монитор, монитор вдребезги. Инетчик берет камень разворачивает бумажку, видит объявление: - Продам монитор. Недорого!
- Папа, а что такое СПАМ?
- Ну, представь себе - посидел ты в туалете, потом потянулся к ящичку за газетой, а там всё завалено скотчем, наждачной бумагой и экскаваторами.
Заходит генераторщик контента Марина Иванович Петров в свою квартиру в г. Якутск, 5 минут от метро, лифт раздельный...
Сколько нужно сеошников, чтобы вкрутить лампочку лампы накаливания осветительные приборы монтаж.
На этом пока всё!
Буду рад добавить ваши любимые шутки про сеошников.
Спасибо. Пара-тройка перлов особенно чудны!
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